there were instructions...

oh. my god. y'all.

i've been on a mindless magazine kick lately (too many optimization equations'll do that to ya). hooray for vogue, and especially hooray for annie leibovitz. however. this (and my recent irrational obsession with all things red) convinced me to experiment with the classic "very red lips" look for the upcoming gala event. accordingly, i ran my little self out to the store to get some very red lipstick. revlon superstay lipcolor in wine, to be exact -- i'm a sucker for a cool-looking container. since i don't really wear lipstick because it never stays on, it didn't hurt that this product advertised that it would stay on eighteen hours or until the next coming of christ or whatever. it also had instructions. on the tube of lipstick. this probably should've been a warning light. alas, no.

of course, being me, and having zero impulse control, i had to play with it the minute i got home. it is certainly very very red. it is also amazingly tricky to put on. this is irritating, as lipstick application is not exactly rocket science. so i take it off to try again. but it won't come off. i use facewash. my lips are still bright red. i return to the lipstick instructions again and see that it specifies the use of an oil-based makeup remover. i search around for the closest thing i have to such a product and try that. my lips are still bright red. i finally resort to violence and scrub off several layers of skin. MY LIPS ARE STILL BRIGHT RED.

actually, by this point, they're really sort of intermediate red. and completely numb. so i have voted in favor of doing something else as i wait for a miracle. but every time i walk past a reflective surface, i jump a little... because damn. in actuality, i probably only look mildly goth. but i feel like i look like the B-movie version of the ghost of the murdered drill team girl who has come back from the dead to high kick half the football team into the great beyond. and then strangle the quarterback with the string from her white sequined cowboy hat from hell. and then jauntily position the concho one finger width above his left ear*.

so... i can either look at this as a waste of money on a beauty product, or a surprisingly cheap adventure. either way, a) it's a good thing i decided to play with it before said gala event and b) there's no way in hell i will ever apply that to my face again in this lifetime. also, i'm very likely to have very red lips tomorrow.



*if you're kind of wondering about the drill-team related violence... well... all i can say is that you should live through field season. and i'm happy to bring you my white sequined cowboy hat and show you how to properly fasten it to your head.