bits and bobs

a pocket masseur would certainly be appreciated about now. and i don't mean that in a butterfly/ talk to her kind of way.

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flirtatious people. i find them incredibly difficult to deal with. especially those who aren't flirting with me, per se, they're just flirting. it can be quite entertaining, i'll give you that, but what do i trust? because i have to be able to trust something; have to be right about it, too. otherwise you're just too dangerous to deal with and can join the ever-increasing pile on the scrap heap. i am incapable of simply playing this game for the fun of it. a bit ironic, really, considering how i play with abandon in most other situations. but this leaves me on uncertain footing, and i don't like to be out of control. sigh, add it to the long list of "no wonder i'm single," i suppose.

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a nod to the new year: this time last year, i had a well-paying job with the potential to be making more money than my father within five years, i did not like it, and i felt incredibly guilty about having secretly decided to try anything else. i lived in a place i was thoroughly done with, but with a wonderful roommate. except for a propensity to time travel every few weeks, i was out and on my own and basically seemed to be on track. and then i ran away to japan, and then to here. justifications all around, etc. now i like where i am and who i am with and what i am doing -- but it's decidedly short term. guilt all around, again. i'm really good at guilt.

i've changed a lot in the past couple of years, though. mellowed in some ways, become more freakishly compulsive in others. someone recently told me that they thought people's personalities were, for the most part, set by their early twenties. not so, me. i'm on rapid cycle again, and i seem to need to change place to accomplish it. i just get such a diversity of outside influences that way, and can even pick and choose the sorts of influence i want (although there is always something unexpected as well, and those parts are usually the best ones). i've also consciously started to lean on people for influences. to see how far they can take me in whatever direction they're headed. and then i find myself trying not to actually outgrow them... i may just be afraid of being called callous. funny, since i am callous. and i know i am. but jaded lawyer sidney carton turned out to not be such a bad guy after all, right? (it must be nearing bedtime, here i go with the dickens again). so we move and we change and we grow and we reflect, and we may or may not accomplish anything by it.

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leslie got us coloring books for christmas. and we use them, too. in the face of condescending glances from ten-year-olds. they're jealous. glitter crayons have the power to make everyone's life just a little bit better, i know they have. it's a cousin of the robert fulghum crayola bomb concept. really, it would be worth assigning part of the defense budget for the experiment. i bet no one would miss it. happiness is in the details. and i'm not just saying that because i tend to be obsessive compulsive.